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Mama's Boys And Daddy's Girls: From Passion To Sabotage And Back Again
By Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth Malinak
The relationship between mama’s boys and daddy’s girls may be the most prevalent kind in North America today. Whereas we can all pretty well identify the daddy’s girls in our lives, mama’s boys come in a variety of ways that may not be so easily identifiable. For one thing, daddy’s girls are usually quite proud of the fact and comfortable advertising it! Mama’s boys, on the other hand, want to keep that identifier so under wraps they might not even recognize it in themselves. However, since mama’s boys and daddy’s girls are attracted to each other like magnets; it behooves us to become familiar with these two types and their variations.
A daddy’s girl can look like a very competent woman, someone who was once a vivacious tom-boy and is now really on top of her life and career. She can also look like an especially brilliant nurturer, taking care of everyone in her life. The more assertive and aggressive daddy’s girls are at risk of bullying the men and children in their lives. Refraining from being abusive can take a lot of self-discipline and self-care.
Too, a daddy’s girl can be a very sweet, submissive type whose devotion to husband and children can border on dysfunction. This type is at risk of being abused if the people in her life are so inclined.
Traditionally, we think of a mama’s boy as a very soft male who may be very good at nurturing the women in his life or who may even be quite timid. This kind of mama’s boy is at risk of being mentally or emotionally run over by the dominant women in his life. But a mama’s boy can also be domineering or even abusive. Not all “macho males” are mama’s boys, but some are macho because they are overcompensating for feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Domination and/or abuse are not masculine qualities. They are tools used to control people so that the dominator or abuser feels taken care of, even if it is at someone else’s expense.
When a man, either by hurting or pleasing his woman, tries to control her, he is a mama’s boy who believes he gets his power from the women in his life.
When a woman, either by serving or dominating her man, tries to take care of him, she is a daddy’s girl who believes she will find fulfillment by taking care of the men in her life.
Mama’s boys and daddy’s girls attract each other romantically because they are complementary reflections of each other. In each other they are reminded of what they didn’t get from their parents. It creates longing, hunger, desire, even frustration and anger. Those feelings are fuel for passion at the beginning of the relationship but can become fodder for relationship sabotage and destruction.
When a mama’s boy and a daddy’s girl are falling in love, they are on their best behavior. The usual ways he either pushes against or pulls on the women in his life go underground. Instead, he is chivalrous, thoughtful, loving, and protective. Likewise, the typical ways she controls her life and the people in it get shelved. Instead, she is happy to be courted, generous in her appreciation and respect.
When the relationship reaches a certain level of commitment, the old habits surface and two apparent strangers finally meet. Only, if these two can be honest, they are not strangers at all because every other relationship they’ve ever had has resembled what happens next.
His needs become more important than hers. Perhaps he’s a domineering kind of mama’s boy and when things don’t go his way he pouts or shouts or hits or hides. However he handles disappointment, this is no longer a knight in shining armor. He becomes callous, selfish, and thoughtless.
Or, if he is a soft male, the gentler kind of mama’s boy, his need to protect and take care of her becomes annoying and a big turn-off. He may appear to still be all about her but really he’s manipulating her in order to take care of himself. This kind of mama’s boy pulls on the woman in his life. What he perceives as him giving of himself to her, she experiences as draining.
In either scenario, the partner of a mama’s boy finds herself walking on egg shells and developing mental lists of what it takes to keep him happy and content.
On her side, when the relationship reaches a certain level of commitment, the daddy’s girl resurrects her need to control her environment and the people in it. If she is the domineering kind of daddy’s girl, she becomes impatient and disrespectful. She tries to improve her partner in order to make him acceptable.
If she’s the more submissive type of daddy’s girl, she goes from feeling like a queen being courted to a servant keeping his house the way he likes it, making love the way he likes it, managing the children the way he likes it.
These behaviors that rise to the surface after a certain level
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